One of the most painful parts about a relationship with a narcissist is the accusations and ‘labels’ the narcissist puts on you.
During your relationship with the narcissist you were probably accused of doing and being all sorts of things that you know at a logical level you certainly wouldn’t do.
Being unfaithful, a pathological liar, untrustworthy, unscrupulous, a gold-digger, mentally unstable, attention-seeking, a horrible parent, a child-abuser, horrible, unloving, selfish (’It is all about you’), ‘You don’t treat me like an equal’, or that you are the narcissist…etc
Maybe you had a narcissistic parent and you were told that you weren’t good enough, you were selfish and a bad person.
Today I want to explain how when a narcissist accuses you of such atrocities he/she is actually speaking to a MIRROR.
I hope by explaining how the narcissist projects his/her behaviour onto you, you can let go of the feelings of unworthiness that the narcissist may have led you to believe about yourself.
The Idealising Phase
In regard to love relationships – in many cases, when you met the narcissist, he or she could not seem happier with you. You were put on a pedestal, and were told all the reasons why you were so different from all the others. The narcissist ‘loved’ everything about you.
The narcissist believed you were the person who was going to be his or her saviour. You were the person who was going to magically feed his or her False Self all the right stuff, and be the person who would keep the narcissist separated from his or her damaged inner self.
The inner damaged self, which you did not know or want to believe existed.
Of course you weren’t the narcissist’s saviour – no-one can be.
The narcissist (like everyone) was never going to feel genuinely valued, safe, approved of and loved by anyone but him or herself.
Because authentic feelings about ‘self’ have to always come from ‘self’.
The Devaluing Phase
Sooner or later the narcissist’s False Self is not appeased enough. The narcissist will perceive something you did as ‘wrong’ – which means not approving of him or her enough, or because you ‘critiqued’ ’questioned’ or ‘didn’t agree’ with him or her in some way.
Then the mask (False Self) cracks, and the monstrous unhealed wounds of the narcissist appear in order to punish you for not complying with the constructed script of the narcissist’s False Self.
At this point the ‘adoring’ person you believed was in love with you becomes your worst enemy and nightmare – saying or doing almost anything possible to maliciously hurt you.
Understandably you will be shocked, reeling and incredibly distraught because the behaviour the narcissist employs is incredibly pathological, cruel, without remorse and can be assessed as inhumane.
You will call it ‘that’ and confront the narcissist with “What on earth have you just done, and HOW on earth could you do that?”
Please KNOW people who have enough RESOURCES OF SELF will leave the narcissist at this point – no matter how much it hurts to.