Do you ever feel like you’re a freaking magnet for narcissistic men? Well, if you are a kind, self-reliant and successful woman with even a smattering of the usual insecurities, then you have a huge target on your back, sister. These guys see you from a mile away.
As the founder of Date Like a Grownup, I’ve coached hundreds of women through breaking their pattern of attracting and choosing these toxic men. So please don’t waste your limited energy with self-recrimination. None of that “I’m so smart” or “at this age how can this happen to me?” You are a member of large club of very smart women with giant loving hearts.
I’m about to help you better understand this man and what makes him so attractive. Most important, you’ll get exact steps you can take to spot the narcissists and losers early on…so you can run for the hills before you get hooked!
And, boy, do we women get hooked! Keep reading.
It’s a common misperception that these men go for weak women. It’s quite the opposite. These pathologically self-centered guys want a strong woman who has a lot to give. Someone like you, maybe?
Here’s what you should know about these gents who can have such power over our lives. (Yes, I do mean our lives. I ‘fell in love’ with my share of these guys before I met my husband in 2006.)
- Needs someone to constantly stroke his (surprisingly fragile) ego.
- Wants someone steady and strong that he can count on to take care of him.
- Wants an empathetic women to attend to his child-like needs.
- Likes smart women, so he can prove he’s even smarter.
- Wants you to be self-sufficient so he doesn’t have to take care of your needs.
And here is one of the finest skills of the practiced narcissist: Whatever your insecurities (we all have some), he will fully exploit them to his gain.
What do you get in return? The quintessential alpha male who is exciting, fun, charming and witty. He’s funny, intense and, when you are with him, there is never a dull moment. You feel he “gets” you. You have chemistry and feel high from his attention. For a while, anyway.
I was definitely sucked in by these charming, manipulative creeps when I was single. Like the countless women who have shared their stories with me, I got sucked in, ecstatic that I had finally found that man who totally excited me. Ultimately, of course, leaving me feeling broken, drained and more insecure than ever.
And I felt stupid. How could a smart woman like me have fallen for this manipulative bullshit…again?
In case you feel embarrassed or dumb for picking these guys, please don’t. They are expert at what they do.
Here is what Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D. says in a PsychCentral article:
The skillful narcissist is a person with some pretty amazing traits. In my opinion, they can be formidable…You can also be charmed by the pulling power of someone reflecting you so as to create a deep rapport. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time or you feel initially safe with them. They have unlocked the door to your insides. A skilled extreme narcissist knows just how to reflect your music back to you so that you feel like he has your playlist of favorite songs.
Oh, yes. Narcissists are formidable indeed.